What are psychological boundaries? Why are they important?
A psychological boundary defines my mind and my sense of self as unique and separate from others. How it does it, according to Jules Shore, is to serve as “a gatekeeper between your psychology and the psychology of others” (Shore, 2021). When we have a healthy psychological boundary, we are able to discern for ourselves information that is true for us from that which isn’t. Let us look at an example:
Me: I am feeling so tired today. I just don’t know why.
Friend: No, you are not tired. You slept 8 hours last night! You don’t need more hours than that. Come on, don’t be so lazy.
What comes up for you when you hear this “friend’s” statement?
Psychological boundaries:
defines your mind and sense of self as unique from those around you … it also acts as “a gatekeeper between your psychology and the psychology of others” (Shore, 2021).
Photo by Laila Gebhard on Unsplash
When someone tells us how to feel or what not to feel, a healthy psychological boundary enables us to discern how we really feel and to regard this person’s statement as something that’s true for them but not for us. It also allows us to screen out the judgement that is insinuated in the statement and to regard it as an emotional process that is happening for your friend without allowing it to affect us. The boundary, therefore, facilitates respect for self and for the differences between people. If I had a healthy psychological boundary, I would have said something to the effect of:
Me: I did sleep 8 hours last night, but I am feeling tired. I guess we are different in terms of how much sleep we each need.
When allowed space to experience their own needs and wants, even young children have a mind of their own where they will be able to express what they need at a young age. As healthy psychological boundaries develop, they help us to develop an increasing confidence about our sense of self, connection to what we value, as well as a respect for the differences of others. With this clarify of of our own values and how others differ from us, connection and intimacy can naturally emerge.
As healthy psychological boundaries develop …
they help us to develop an increasing confidence about our sense of self, what we truly value, and helps us respect differences of others.
Photo by Drew Colins on Unsplash
How do healthy psychological boundaries developed?
The development of a sense of self happens in conjunction with the development of our boundaries especially our psychological boundary. This process is complex and beyond the scope of this short blog to cover comprehensivesly, instead I will only touch on certain pertinent points. A healthy psychological boundary is strongly influenced by a child’s sense of self. According to child development psychologists and attachment theorists, children’s development of a healthy sense of self is fostered when they are:
given an age-appropriate amount of space to experiment with their environment,
engaged with in responsive interactions by loving adults, and
given opportunities to make age-appropriate decisions for themselves, especially about what is true for them and what is not (Minuchin, 2018; van Ecke et al., 2006).
Another way, healthy psychological boundaries develop is from the modelling of the adults in their lives. Watching members of their community interact with each other are potent ways to influence the values and behaviours that underpin this boundary. For example, when differences are welcomed or negotiated with kindness, a strong sense of self and psychological boundaries can ensue.
The individuation process where a child becomes their own person is where they come into their psychological as well as other types of boundaries. This process, however, is not at all straightforward and sometimes caregivers feel like they are walking on the tightrope between guidance and allowing the freedom to experiment. Culture, intergenerational family experiences, social economic statuses, environmental factors, and personality all play a part in how members in a family system negotiate the separation-individuation process. Some cultures encourage greater homogeneity in their families while others strongly belief in independence and becoming a self-made person. One is not necessarily “better” than the other for the well-being of the child. However, what research does tell us is that trauma profoundly affects one’s psychological boundaries.
Here ends part 1 of a two part series on Psychological Boundaries … if you have any questions about this article, please do not hesitate to contact me.
