Boundary Setting: Is it Worth the Cost?

Is Boundary Setting Something Worth Revisiting?

When the word “boundaries” comes up in my mind, it is often equated with protection, but seldom associated with “connection”. According to Jules Shore and Terry Real, veteran psychotherapists, boundaries both protect and connect people (Shore 2021).

What comes up for you when you read the phrase “boundaries setting”?

Excitement? Trepidation? Dread?

“Doesn’t setting boundaries make people upset and create conflict rather than connection?” asks a client.

“Don’t tell me to talk to them about my boundaries” says another client “It will not turn out well”.

True, I have had my fair share of pushback when trying to set boundaries. Boundary setting can have a bad rep because it can be costly - a cost that may not be explicitly talked about among circles that advocate for boundary settings practices.

“You need to stand up for yourself!”

“You need to teach people how you want to be treated.”

All very true, yet a realistic view of the cost is also an important aspect in the process of being able to set and maintain our boundaries. Without a clear understanding of the  up front costs, we may not be able to stick to our guns when the pushback happens. I want to acknowledge that boundaries may not be easy to set depending on what the boundaries are about and with whom. People have reported losing their jobs, friends, and even communities when they have decided to set boundaries. Coming from a collectivist community where bonds are thick and the emphasis is on similarity versus differences, to express one’s individuality or difference can be a scary thing. It can stir up unwanted attention and a barrage of criticism that wound, or worse yet result in family shame that ostracizes. For these reasons, when I talk about boundary setting with people, I have a deep appreciation for their choices and the way they want to go about navigating this process. It is important to acknowledge the courage it often entails to set personal boundaries when they can come at great risk.

Boundaries setting can come with costs

Without a clear understanding of the up front costs, we may not be able to stick to our guns when the pushback happens.

However, before we throw in the towel and declare that “this whole boundary setting thing is overrated, totally not worth it” or “I suck at it so let’s not do it”, I would like to invite my readers to reflect deeply on the cost of not doing so. Whether or not we choose to enforce boundaries, strangely enough our bodies and nervous systems do. Even if we would rather choose compliance as a means of staying safe, our bodies know when our implicit boundaries have not been honored. Try this exercise to find out more about implicit boundaries:

Sit on the floor (or in a chair) with lots of floor space around you. Use a rope or string to form a circle around your body. Notice how your body feels when you initially put down that “boundary”. Is it relaxed and spacious or tense and tight?

Now move that “boundary”, making it smaller. Now how does your body feel? If you need more words to describe your bodies’ sensations, click here.

Follow this by making the circle wider. Now notice how your body, your breathing feels. At what distance is the “boundary” from your body for you to feel the most at ease?

Play with the size of the “boundary” around and each time notice how your body reacts.

We have just defined your physical boundary. Next time you are in conversation with another person, notice the physical space between the two of you and how your body reacts to changes in this distance.

Different types of boundaries

Similarly, we have internal implicit and explicit boundaries around what is acceptable for us emotionally, psychologically, and behaviorally. Some of these boundaries might be hidden until someone in our lives bump up against them and conflict ensues. Have you travelled for the first time with a friend and discovered a whole lot of “differences” between you? Or decided to do a group project with folks you thought you knew? Those are all opportunities for knowing about others, but more importantly about discovering your implicit boundaries!

For those of us who do not feel safe enough to engage in explicit conflict (eg. verbal altercation), the conflict instead becomes internalized. This may show up as resentment, anger, and irritation at the other person for not knowing your limits. Thoughts can run the gamut of “they should just know better”, “some things do not have to be said!” or “If I have to say it, then it means they don’t care enough about me”. here

Resentment, anger, and irritation at the other person may be a flag for boundary setting.

If the other oblivious party continues to tread all over our boundaries and we continue to abdicate, a buildup of negative emotions directed at yourself might be a sign that things have gone too far. Internalized shame and anger towards self would be one such signal that our implicit boundaries are screaming to be heard. Another is the narrative of “If I don’t stand up for myself, I must be worthless”. In external behaviours, it can take many forms including avoidance as a means to indirectly set a boundary without having to deal with the direct cost of conflict. Some examples of such avoidance include ghosting someone or saying yes without follow through just to get the person off our backs. Anyone familiar with the interactions between a teenager and parent would recognize these tactics.

Parent: Have you cleaned your room!?
Child: Yes, I will get to it mom!

Five days later, the room has yet to be cleaned. That’s a sign of differing boundaries bumping up against each other where a kind, open dialogue is needed.

Before we do a deep dive into executing boundaries (a term from Jules Shore), the foundations of three other types of boundary work may have to be setup in order for us to be effective in executing and sustaining our boundaries. According to Jules Shores, we can heuristically define boundaries by four categories: psychological, containment, physical, and executed. Unless we come into our psychological, containing and physical boundaries first, it can be hard to execute our boundaries. I am loving the conceptual framework that Jules Shore has built around boundaries setting and want to acknowledge that much of this material is from her. In the next blog, I will be defining each category of boundaries and doing a deeper dive into what psychological boundaries are .

 References:

Shore, J. T. (2021, May). The Neurobiology of Safety: Working with Boundaries Inside Out. The Neurobiology of Safety, Therapy of Wisdom. Therapy of Wisdom. https://learn.therapywisdom.com/wwb-main-page/